Turn The Page
Just over four years ago, I began this journey as a single mother to three small children. Even though I am there every day, it is still jolting to see how much we've all grown mentally and physically. I mean my daughter was only 6 months old when I chose singleness and I couldn't even see past one hour to the next each day. The emotional struggle was so real that the financial and social burdens didn't even matter. There is no way I could imagine that we would be in this happy, safe place four years down the road. I was consumed with fear and anxiety over walking away from the most hurtful experience of my entire life.
I'd spent days with tears streaming down my cheeks from the reality of knowing that I'd have to let go of the very thing I wanted with every ounce of my being. My family could not go on in the way that it had for years. I'd essentially been a single mother trying to live with a partner that was always one foot in, one foot who knows where. I was holding on to the idea of a family that never existed. No matter how much I conformed, bent, prayed, or wished it was just not going to change. I was killing myself trying to make it work. I was suffocating my own voice and constantly trying to dim my own light to bring someone else out of their own darkness. So, I had to walk away to find the breathe of air needed to grow.
After several years of soul searching and diving into solo motherhood, I have felt deeply all the things that I could not then because it was not "allowed" and certainly not encouraged. Often whenever I'd try to express my pain I was hit with the "You'll get over it. You chose that life." as though being mistreated and having to support three children alone was solely my fault and therefore, I had to no right to feel anything. And if I did feel it then I certainly had no right to express it. Eventually, I had to walk away from those people too that held that belief because it was holding me back from the breakthrough that was sure to come. The funny thing about having the courage to let go of toxicity is that it opens your heart to the positive relationships and experiences that allow you to reach your full purpose for being placed on this earth. It allows you to do the real work not a career, falling in love again, or achieving superficial success but I mean, the work of healing your spirit.
Never in my life have I been more in touch with my own weaknesses as a human but I also discovered over the years a strength that can only be found in an experience like this. And now I am able to look within for the resiliency that led me to turning the page on that chapter of life. On the other side there was a bright light waiting to shine through. My soul has been opened in the most beautiful way and it exudes gratitude.
I wanted to share this with you to encourage anyone that is going through and feeling the fear and hopelessness. New beginnings do exist and I want to send you love + grace to push through the dirt because so much beauty is on the other side. I want to let you know that you do not need permission to feel. Feel it all deeply and then let it go. You'll be amazed every time at what is returned.
And if you are a mother, let go of the negativity so that you can pour all the more love into the little souls that you've helped create.
My little ones had a very long winter break from school this year and I was beginning to feel the exhaustion a few days into the new year and then out of nowhere we had an amazing snow bomb come through Southeast Georgia (the first in 28 years). It’s moments like this that make ever trial and tribulation seem so small when we get to witness something so incredible together. Captured by myself on a canon 6d with 50 mm lens.